New year, Newer me?

OK, so I’ve never bought into the whole new years resolution thing and, still don’t participate when people ask what my resolutions are going to be.  I have no issues and do not think poorly of those that do, its just not my thing.  I don’t see how a new day, which happens to be January 1st is going to have a drastic impact on my decision making.  Again, some people do and I am all for that.

Having said that, it is the start of a ‘new’ year and I am in a new place.  We felt called by God to move down here so perhaps it can be the continuation of ‘new’ Mike, one I started back in Massachusetts about a year ago.

I am meeting my new medical team at the VA tomorrow which I am excited about (sounds weird I know) but am also feeling very anxious and nervous.  I’m deeply anxious about explaining things all over again, digging deep into who I am , who I was and, who I am trying to be.  Doing it alone in my own head is bad enough, so sharing it with people I don’t even know yet is a pretty terrifying idea.

I know I am a better person when I can speak with a professional about the war and about the disastrous ways PTSD has influenced my life.  I do have a better handle on things, that’s for sure.  However, when I go too long without talking and without taking medications I feel a change.  The hatred I have for myself, the world, people in the world and anything outside my world slowly creeps back inside me.  Its as if the Devil senses I am weak and he knows hate can harbor a safe place in my heart.  He jumps at the chance of using me again.

Although, I will never be the person some people would like me to be.  I am happy with the ‘nicer’ Mike and the less hateful Mike.  I know Jesus hates seeing me so torn and I hate feeling that/this way.

Fingers crossed for tomorrow and, for the rest of the year!!!

After all, its a World Cup year!! 🙂

I got your six!

 

 

 

 

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Still waiting…..uniform ready!

The stars aligned in October and the world didn’t end, and unfortunately Jesus didn’t come back either!!  Nibiru is still reported to be flying close by to our planet yet still eludes us.  Antifa didn’t show up on Nov 4th for the much anticipated brawl.  The government didn’t appear to conduct the mass EMP drill we were told to expect and Trump continues to stall on pounding North Korea back to the dark ages  **Insert sigh**

Why do I get so focused on the end of the world or end of society as we know it crap??  I have 2 ‘bug out’ bags (I call them our ‘Oh Shit’ bags actually) at home ready to go 24/7 and constantly look out for new stories about situations spiraling out of control which will require me to suit up and protect my wife and family.  And by suit, I mean my old army uniform! haha….

I don’t want the world to end, I don’t want nuclear war either.  What am I waiting for? I have a good job that keeps me busy, wonderful social life but ache for just something to ‘happen’ that pushes me to put my skills to real use.  My doctor at the VA has put this down to my PTSD, is she right? Is it a case of me being so hyper vigilant and alert that I am simply looking for any reason so lace up my combats boots and start cracking skulls again??

I think I put it down to that simply desire to make a difference.  One that drove me to enlist and continues to drive me now, even if in other ways.  IF it is part of my PTSD, will it ever go away? Am I gonna be one of the old timers threatening to whoop someone’s arse at the movie theatre when I’m 75? haha I pray to Jesus I have mellowed out at that point in my life!

For now I will remain ready, its part of me.  Drill sergeant rants continue to ‘haunt’ me to this day, “stay alert, stay alive” haha.  My wife hears it enough!  So it Antifa comes calling or Nibiru decides to make an appearance.  Follow me!

You can find me in my full battle rattle locked and cocked, perhaps with a walking frame at that point.  But i’ll always be ready!

I am my brother’s keeper!

Can writing kill the demons?

About to leave work for the weekend and wanted to share one last thing that’s been weighing on me for quite some time.

Through my PTSD treatment at the VA, one form of treatment that we concluded was extremely helpful to me is the written word! Even though, I fully understand I am no Shakespeare, I do enjoy it and it allows me to share thoughts that I could never share in person, or would simply avoid sharing.

I am about to embark on a dark and deep journey into uncovering years of nightmarish events I suffered as a child.  Right now, your mind or minds, if there is more than one of you bored enough to be reading this, have gone to a specific place.  I would make a bet I know where your minds have gone, and you are correct.

Pending my health case transfer from MA to TX I will begin down a road I have been avoiding for YEARS! Now compounded with enlisting in the Army and going to war, its something I don’t want to touch…..nope, not now not ever. Nope nope nope…..

What am I looking for right now? Support? Ideas? Hope? Little of everything? haha… I guess to potentially hear that there are others out there that find this whole writing lark helpful? My wife suggested it and I genuinely enjoy it.  My own self made treatment plan of year after year of avoidance, drink, anger, hate, drink, self hate, drink, rage, solitude, drink and…….another beer have not worked. You can say “no sh*t Mike” haha

Its overwhelming, and right as I feel I have a really good handle on my combat related PTSD, I am now crawling down a much different and even darker rabbit hole….

I know God has a wonderful plan to turn all this bollocks into something magnificent!! WTF that could be I don’t know and I get very angry that it happened in the first place, and why to me? Why to any kid??

Though, I do say with all the love in my heart, I hope God blesses you all.

OK, time for a beer!!!

I am now, and will always be my brother’s keeper!