Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. John 15:13

Sgt Robert Barrett,  KIA 4/19/2010 wrote this before deploying to Afghanistan in January 2010

“I volunteered to put my life on the line for freedom and country. For my fellow soldiers, for my little girl, for my weeping mother and father.  “I am going to a land where American freedom is just a dream, a hope, a slow reality. I am an American soldier.”

Tomorrow marks America’s Veterans Day.  It is a sad day for many of us veterans, it is also a proud day.  I have often, and continue to have those days where I scream and yell at God for sending me over there.  I did the maths one day (gave myself a headache too) and figured out that in a 7 year period of 2006-2013 I had spend roughly 3.5 years over seas on combat zones.  I was drafted, no one forced me to go.  I went of my own free will and sought opportunities to go back again and again. Why?  God knew I was going, he actually came to me in 2012 and told me to go on my final deployment.  He knew I was going to go and he knows my heart.  After all, he created it and knows it better than I do.

Why do I think I have the right then, to yell and scream at him for all the baggage I now carry?  I know the BS we went through, and I know the good and the bad that happened. Much of it unavoidable, but some of it was decided by ourselves.  Remember the ‘free will’ he gave us as a gift!?

Having said that I do and, I am embarrassed that I treat him in such a way at times.  But I know he can take it and I know that he’s ok with it, he just wants to draw me closer to him.   So tomorrow, I am sure I will have a word with him about the whole thing.  I’ll be hunting in the morning since work is closed to observe this sacred day.  Plenty of time to gather my thoughts and speak to him while I chase the ghost like creature I hope to eat for my dinner.  Perhaps some afternoon beverages with a fellow veteran to toast our brothers and sisters, pausing for moment to pray extra hard for ones that didn’t make it home, like my brother in arms, Sgt Barrett.

So I ask you to take a moment to pray for all our veterans.  Past, present and those just beginning the proud life changing journey.  Whether a vet stayed CONUS or was sent with rifle to meet the enemy on a far flung battle field, they all deserve a hand shake, and even a hug.  Even better, a cold beer! 🙂

And for all my screaming and shouting, tears and tantrums; I thank our Lord every single day for allowing me the opportunity to serve and proudly call myself a United States soldier.  There are perhaps something’s I would change, go left and not right for example.  Its in the past and I know I did the best I could in combat, lead by example and with courage for the guys to feed off and use.  I cry and I smile, I scream and I hide in loneness.  I yell out for help and I retreat to the comfort of myself and my self hate.  Its all part of being a child of God.

When a person dies and meets God, they may ask themselves “what did I give back to my fellow man? A veteran doesn’t have to worry about that question.

I am proud to be my brother’s keeper!!

 

 

 

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Still waiting…..uniform ready!

The stars aligned in October and the world didn’t end, and unfortunately Jesus didn’t come back either!!  Nibiru is still reported to be flying close by to our planet yet still eludes us.  Antifa didn’t show up on Nov 4th for the much anticipated brawl.  The government didn’t appear to conduct the mass EMP drill we were told to expect and Trump continues to stall on pounding North Korea back to the dark ages  **Insert sigh**

Why do I get so focused on the end of the world or end of society as we know it crap??  I have 2 ‘bug out’ bags (I call them our ‘Oh Shit’ bags actually) at home ready to go 24/7 and constantly look out for new stories about situations spiraling out of control which will require me to suit up and protect my wife and family.  And by suit, I mean my old army uniform! haha….

I don’t want the world to end, I don’t want nuclear war either.  What am I waiting for? I have a good job that keeps me busy, wonderful social life but ache for just something to ‘happen’ that pushes me to put my skills to real use.  My doctor at the VA has put this down to my PTSD, is she right? Is it a case of me being so hyper vigilant and alert that I am simply looking for any reason so lace up my combats boots and start cracking skulls again??

I think I put it down to that simply desire to make a difference.  One that drove me to enlist and continues to drive me now, even if in other ways.  IF it is part of my PTSD, will it ever go away? Am I gonna be one of the old timers threatening to whoop someone’s arse at the movie theatre when I’m 75? haha I pray to Jesus I have mellowed out at that point in my life!

For now I will remain ready, its part of me.  Drill sergeant rants continue to ‘haunt’ me to this day, “stay alert, stay alive” haha.  My wife hears it enough!  So it Antifa comes calling or Nibiru decides to make an appearance.  Follow me!

You can find me in my full battle rattle locked and cocked, perhaps with a walking frame at that point.  But i’ll always be ready!

I am my brother’s keeper!

Can writing kill the demons?

About to leave work for the weekend and wanted to share one last thing that’s been weighing on me for quite some time.

Through my PTSD treatment at the VA, one form of treatment that we concluded was extremely helpful to me is the written word! Even though, I fully understand I am no Shakespeare, I do enjoy it and it allows me to share thoughts that I could never share in person, or would simply avoid sharing.

I am about to embark on a dark and deep journey into uncovering years of nightmarish events I suffered as a child.  Right now, your mind or minds, if there is more than one of you bored enough to be reading this, have gone to a specific place.  I would make a bet I know where your minds have gone, and you are correct.

Pending my health case transfer from MA to TX I will begin down a road I have been avoiding for YEARS! Now compounded with enlisting in the Army and going to war, its something I don’t want to touch…..nope, not now not ever. Nope nope nope…..

What am I looking for right now? Support? Ideas? Hope? Little of everything? haha… I guess to potentially hear that there are others out there that find this whole writing lark helpful? My wife suggested it and I genuinely enjoy it.  My own self made treatment plan of year after year of avoidance, drink, anger, hate, drink, self hate, drink, rage, solitude, drink and…….another beer have not worked. You can say “no sh*t Mike” haha

Its overwhelming, and right as I feel I have a really good handle on my combat related PTSD, I am now crawling down a much different and even darker rabbit hole….

I know God has a wonderful plan to turn all this bollocks into something magnificent!! WTF that could be I don’t know and I get very angry that it happened in the first place, and why to me? Why to any kid??

Though, I do say with all the love in my heart, I hope God blesses you all.

OK, time for a beer!!!

I am now, and will always be my brother’s keeper!

 

 

 

Could be quite the weekend!

TGIF guys!!! However, it could prove a rather interesting weekend, depending on how much you read (away from main stream media) and what you believe.

Antifa protests, EMP government drills, blackouts and possible general civil unrest.  What do we make of all this? None of it has made the main stream media, which doesn’t surprise me.  So then we need to decide what is legit news and what is utter bollocks.  I think its fair to say that at the very least, Antifa are trying to rally some of the ‘minions’ for some protesting.  There also seems to be some credible evidence that the government is preparing to run a mock EMP attack drill in some major cities across the US.

I’m honestly up in the air about what’s really going to happen.  My gut tells me that this is going to be one of those more of a bark than actual bite type situations.  That the weekend will come and go without any incidents from anyone.  Having said that,  I am going hunting in the morning but do plan on being home by lunch time ‘just in case’ something happens.  Am I mad for prepping for something that could be utter tripe?  Either way, the soldier in me is still screaming BE PREPARED!

If you are incredibly bored this morning and happen to be reading this, all I say is, be ready for anything and be safe. Make smart,  informed and thought out decisions.

Say a prayer too!! I think God is speaking to us all in ways that some of us are hearing and some are struggling.  My fear is many are not even trying to listen.  We are in troubling times guys and I hope that as a population we can see through the flock and make our own smart decisions.  We are being herded into doing what the establishments want us to do.  They want us to fight each other.  That way, they can come in and initiate radical reforms to law and order, taking away even more God given AND constitutional rights that we are barely clinging on to tat this time.

I am going to stay away from it all and look out for my wife and dog, and myself.  I can honestly say I don’t think I have the self control to not fall into the trap.  I know I will start smacking people around and just play into their hands.  Be the bigger person and make the same decision to stay away too if you know your demons may get the better of you.  The devil wants you to fail every single day and this weekend could be the perfect storm right at your doorstep.

Have water, food and firearms ready this weekend to protect your family, yourself and your property.  May God bless you all.

I am my brothers keeper!

God’s plan for me?

What a question right? Anyone got the answer? hahaha…. The big guy has been pretty quiet with me lately and I have been asking him many questions.  We recently moved to Texas coming down from New England and we both felt called to this part of the Country by God.  We have both been getting a little frustrated by the immediate lack of clarification for our journey by God.  Even though we both know its all in his hands and it will all be done in HIS time. Putting together the pieces of the move alone have been a challenge and I think we had hoped for an answer to why we were sent down here by him.

We have been church shopping and of course one of the major messages we hear on a weekly basis is that Jesus forgives us and always forgives us.  This is truly breath-taking and uplifting.  I need to ask however, are there any veterans out there that, although love and follow Jesus, have a hard time understanding the depth of his love and forgiveness for us?

Considering my past, including time in uniform I go back and forth between overwhelming feelings of his grace and then spiraling feelings of confusion and guilt about how I have let him down so badly.  Therefore, how can he continue to love me and forgive me?

What will I say to him when I finally meet him as an old man? What will he say to me?

Any thoughts?

 

 

‘Antifa’ Nov 4 2017

Lets not be silly

Another afternoon spent shaking my head at the chatter about the pending protests on Nov 4 across the nation.  If you are considering attending a major city in support of this anti American group please re-think your decision making process.  Antifa has now been officially labeled a Domestic Terrorist group by the FBI and the Dept. of Homeland Security.

When will the untested and unproven youth of today spend a little time researching their own information before declaring that they plan to over throw the government and all those that stand in their way.  I wonder in which direction their way is? What are the plans? I don’t consider myself quite over the hill yet, I’m still in my 30’s even if only just hanging in there.  I have seen much of the world as a traveler and as a soldier. I have seen real poverty and real heart ache.  The Wi-Fi going down in Starbucks or you losing some points on your world of war craft game does not constitute struggle.

The powers that be, not the white house; the real power players behind the scenes that actually run this Country are rubbing their hands together with excitement as they watch America continue to fight each other.  When are we going to wake up and unite as one?  Something they just don’t want to see happen.

President Trump is not the problem with this Country.  It is the self obsessed, over privileged youth who thing the Country owes them something just for being alive and staying in school.  It doesn’t work that way guys.  Go out there and become a decent member of your community.  Stop staying in college until your 40’s, get out there and give back a little.

I am in a rush this afternoon and need to finish and I feel my writing is a little fragmented today.  Writing still allows me a good and therapeutic answer to rising PTSD when I am feeling triggered. And I am feeling a little triggered which is sad since I am home now. I am not in a combat zone, but I feel one is around the corner.

If the ‘Antifa’ supporters and those with a similar cause decide they want to take the fight to the people, I ask that you reconsider. This is a fight you will not win. Put your chi green tea down for 2 minutes and think about it.  I don’t want to see violence in our towns and cities but if you start it, there are Patriots who will finish it.  I live in a city that I feel may be subjected to a violent Nov 4 and I pray I am wrong.  Do not throw away your life so early, do some of your own reading and your own research and understand that waving sticks and stomping your feet is not going to win this one.

Your freedom is not written by a politician with ink, it is written and provided by the veterans who don’t know you, but serve you and protect you.  Honor that and protest with peace and open ears and hearts.

I am my brothers keeper!

A lost warrior

This is the post excerpt.

What a way to start my first ever blog.  Grieving the loss of another young soldier, taken too early by the demons who followed us home.  My profile picture is of the said young warrior.  Zachary Sparling of Seattle. Washington. An Iraq and Afghanistan veteran who lost his fight this week. We were deployed together in 2010-11 and remained battle buddies after we rotated back to the US. I’m not gonna pretend we were the very best of mates and that we were in touch every day; but we stayed in touch and spoke of visiting each other when we could afford the airfare.  No matter the distance, he was my brother and a small part of me leaves this world too when a battlebudy becomes part of the ’22’.  Mission 22 is an organization close to my heart. Bringing awareness to the approximate 22 veterans who commit suicide each day in the US.  An utterly alarming statistic, which goes unnoticed and, generally ignored.  The daily activities of an overpaid spoilt sportsman is acknowledged and debated far more frequently than the fact that our real life heroes are screaming for help.  Who are too often being drawn into the most desperate and totally heartbreaking decision they have ever dealt with.

My hope for this blog is to bring awareness to veteran suicides.  I suffer from PTSD and have often found myself so desperate I was unable to see a way forward.  Having said that, I’m here (obviously) and I’m moving forward. I still struggle at times, and I continue to see a VA doc for PTSD treatment.  I felt embarrassed and even disappointed in myself when I first sought treatment!  This stigma needs to STOP in our society! I highly encourage any and all of my brothers to seek help if you are feeling depressed, lonely, lost or any debilitating sysmptom. I want to see, I pray to see the 22 daily suicides vanish from our society.  I hope for this blog to be a place of comfort to those suffering, feeling desperate and in need of someone who’s been there.  Someone who still finds himself there!

All things are possible thru God, and I hope you enjoyed my first blog.

I am my brothers’s keeper!

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