Its very unlikely that you’ll ever hear me before you see me, and even when you see me you will likely not hear me.
However, find me on the football pitch (soccer field) and you’ll immediately notice the loud, aggressive English bloke who is not shy in giving orders and instructions. Locate me on the battle field and you will find an enthusiastic, vocal and energetic leader. Advancing towards the enemy full of confidence, larger than life in every possible way.
Put me in a room of people I don’t know, or put me in a room with work colleagues, in my own church, even my in-laws; and I vanish. Not easily intimidated, offended or weak. Yet I become rather…… invisible.
I don’t like to talk, I often don’t want to listen either if I am honest with you. I have always been comfortable with my own company. I have very rarely felt lonely or in need of company. I don’t always like that about me, I have sometimes thought about how nice it would be if it was different. None of this is because I feel that I am better than everyone, quite the contrary. Sometimes I even feel jealousy towards people who I see just strike up conversations with anyone and everyone. Watching, often searching myself for “Why cant I do that”? I sometimes feel inadequate, more so at church. I am happy and confident of my relationship with God. Having said that, I find myself intimidated by other peoples’ knowledge and strength in their faith. Of all the places, surely God’s house is the one location I shouldn’t feel intimidated right? If I knew the bible word for word, would that change it for me at church? I think the answer is no. I know the answer is no. I have read the bible, and I continue to read the bible. I know the stories, the people and the basic requests God has of us. Yet, didn’t he make me perfect, in his eyes? He knows how he made me and why he made me the way he did. This isn’t a cop out so I can do and say what ever I like or not say or not do what ever I like. But it leaves me confused. I spend time thinking of what else I could be doing for God, for his church. Do I have talents? I think so yes but they don’t seem to be something tangible that I could use for his good.
I get so awkward in most public situations, unless I have had a few beers. Which clearly isn’t the best answer. At least not on a regular, long term basis. Can this be conquered with practice and exposure to uncomfortable situations? Do I have the courage to try to beat it? Is it something that can even be defeated? I have done some reading about this and recently came across an interesting article about introverts. It stated that God loves us (introverts) and he made us this way on purpose. He does love us and that he has a plan, even if its a quiet plan. As much as I enjoyed the article I know it wont take away my self doubt in church and will not stop me asking myself.
“Is God happy with me? If not, why did he make me the way he did”?
Thoughts, advice and suggestions are absolutely appreciated! 🙂
I always had my brother’s back. My job would sometimes absolutely depend on me be quite. I will always be my brothers keeper.