OK, so I’ve never bought into the whole new years resolution thing and, still don’t participate when people ask what my resolutions are going to be. I have no issues and do not think poorly of those that do, its just not my thing. I don’t see how a new day, which happens to be January 1st is going to have a drastic impact on my decision making. Again, some people do and I am all for that.
Having said that, it is the start of a ‘new’ year and I am in a new place. We felt called by God to move down here so perhaps it can be the continuation of ‘new’ Mike, one I started back in Massachusetts about a year ago.
I am meeting my new medical team at the VA tomorrow which I am excited about (sounds weird I know) but am also feeling very anxious and nervous. I’m deeply anxious about explaining things all over again, digging deep into who I am , who I was and, who I am trying to be. Doing it alone in my own head is bad enough, so sharing it with people I don’t even know yet is a pretty terrifying idea.
I know I am a better person when I can speak with a professional about the war and about the disastrous ways PTSD has influenced my life. I do have a better handle on things, that’s for sure. However, when I go too long without talking and without taking medications I feel a change. The hatred I have for myself, the world, people in the world and anything outside my world slowly creeps back inside me. Its as if the Devil senses I am weak and he knows hate can harbor a safe place in my heart. He jumps at the chance of using me again.
Although, I will never be the person some people would like me to be. I am happy with the ‘nicer’ Mike and the less hateful Mike. I know Jesus hates seeing me so torn and I hate feeling that/this way.
Fingers crossed for tomorrow and, for the rest of the year!!!
After all, its a World Cup year!! 🙂
I got your six!
